This House Is Not My Home

Anxiety, fear, trepidation, excitement, nervousness, impatience, did I mention fear?

My world has been turned upside down.  Jared and I are embarking on a really big change in our lives.  One we didn't see coming.  For those of you who know me well know that I can be a bit...obsessive at times.  It would be fair to say I have a "one track mind."

The idea of this move has had me in tears, unable to sleep, giddy, worried, and scared all at once.  There is so much good that could come from it.  We will be debt free other than our mortgage.  The house is a better fit for our family and feels like an enormous blessing.

It's scary to want something really really bad.  I have been praying that God would work on my heart.  Refocus my mind and allow me to settle.  I told Jared I really wanted to write about this simply because I feel He has answered my prayer in a real way.

He answered with perspective.

We are purchasing the home from an elderly widow who has been more than gracious, more than loving, more than kind.  Two days ago I was thinking about her, about all she has ahead of her to prepare to move out of her family home.  She has told us so many stories of their lives there.  Plans she and her husband had.  I began to see myself in her.  Married for decades, lots of kids (8 in fact), and a life of grand memories.  This could be me in a matter of years.

Then it hit me, it's all so temporary. 

I remember being 15 like it was yesterday!  How and when did I become 34, married for 15 years, and have 5 children of my own, and where did this gray hair come from?!

My first reaction to this epiphany was anxiety.  My life is going too fast!  My children are growing too fast!!  My husband and I are aging too fast!!   I don't want to be at the end.  I want to freeze time.  There are days when I wake up and I think, "There went another day!  Where does the time go?"

But then the Lord stepped into my panicked heart and said, "It's a stepping stone."  Life is a stepping stone to Him.  Yes, its temporary.  It does go quickly, Praise God!  This world is broken, this world is painful, this world carries disappointment and fear.  Only a foolish heart would want to hold onto this world and fear Heaven!

Revelation 21:4

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁴ He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

The new house, the old house, none of it matters.  All that matters is that I live my life bringing Him glory.

Thankfully my heart completely settled.  I have peace.  For the first time in 2 weeks, my mind has slowed down and I am so thankful for a loving God that has so much patience with me.

"This world is not my home I'm just a passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore
Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you
If heaven's not my home then Lord what will I do
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore"

-Jim Reeves, This World is Not My Home