Too Much

I haven't been on here in so long and I'm not real sure why I'm on now other than I'm struggling and this has always been very cathartic. 

Yesterday was one of the more traumatic experiences of my life. 

The day before Thanksgiving we put our beagle down.  It was sudden and very hard on our kids.  We had her for 6 years plus and they don't really remember life before her.  Watching my children grieve is so very difficult. 

My reaction to loss is life, to add on.  When my dad died we had Anneliese.  Something about looking forward to life brings hope and clears away the darkness of grief.

Three days after Sophie died I found a kitten.  A beautiful little fur ball that brought so much happiness and snuggles.  We named her Ping, short for Penguin due to her black and white coloring and Liesey's obsession with all things Penguin.

She is half ragdoll half Norwegian Forest.  She is so tiny and such a lover.  It was obvious very quickly that we had hit the kitty lotto.  Quickly trained, super playful, not aloof at all, snuggled her way into our hearts.  She immediately lifted the spirits of our house.

Yesterday morning I was working on laundry.  I pulled baby Ping out of the empty dryer three times over the course of several loads of laundry.  Each time I took her to Anneliese's bedroom trying to redirect her.  I hadn't ever heard of kittens getting into front loading washers (which is apparently very common with front loaders) and honestly, I wouldn't have ever thought it a possibility since it is wet. 

I loaded some laundry and then went to our bathroom to get a couple more items.  While I was away she apparently hopped into the basin and we were completely unaware.  I put a few more items in, never saw her, she didn't meow or anything.  I started the load.

Fast forward a hour later when the buzzer went off and I went to change out the load.  To my horror, our baby kitty had been trapped inside.  I scooped her up and screamed for Jared.  I can't even describe the absolute panic and terror I felt/feel.

I was so in love with her tiny self.  We all were.  To see my children's faces, to see them break down and suffer through a loss again and knowing it was my mistake, I am absolutely beside myself.  Not only did we all just love her but the way in which she died.  Finding her.  I am so heartbroken.

If you have a moment I would greatly appreciate prayer.  Prayer for healing, prayer for forgiveness,  prayer that the image of finding her would fade.