Friday, May 30, 2008

12 Years in the Making

This Sunday is my and Jared's 12 year wedding anniversary. It's unreal to me that we've been married that long. Just the other night we were talking about how it felt like it was going to take forever until we were old enough to finally be married (we started dating at 15).

In these 12 years we have given birth to 4 boys, buried 4 grandparents and my dad, suffered 2 miscarriages, graduated from college, found the church and ministry of our dreams, made amazing friends, deepened family bonds, and been blessed by 6 nieces and 2 nephews, bought our first home and made it our dream home, added 2 puppies, a fat cat and so much more. To say it has had it's ups and downs would be an extreme understatement.

The amazing thing to me is that through all of that we are just now hitting our sweet spot. My husband often talks about stick-to-it-iveness and that the joy and happiness comes in time. We had some rough times but honestly that is what has strengthened our bond. Through losing my Dad I gained a beautiful relationship with my husband. For the first time I could not stand on my own. I have always been strong willed and muscled my way through the toughest of things but this time I was powerless against this grief. The blessing came when my husband and my God sustained me through it all.

I learned to be completely vulnerable to the man who needed it most. I fell into him like I hadn't in 10 years. I feel so blessed by my life and none of it would have happened had God not gifted me Jared. Thank you Lord. I love you Jared Richard.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It Seemed I was Too Far Gone...

I apologize to those of you who read both of my blogs for the double post. I just feel like this song sings the anthem of my heart. I feel like I can be more candid here than I can on myspace. If you've read my previous post "Peace is Mine" you have an idea of the transformation that is happening in my heart.

I am filled with joy. It's been a little scary because my emotions usually reach a high and then drop to a serious low so I've been waiting for the lull. The awesome news is that I am stronger with each new day. I feel like this song word for word tells of my story and where I am now. I will have ups and downs but the difference is that I am standing on my solid rock of Christ and even things that would have rocked me before can not move me because of my Anchor.

There have been several things come up about my dad that would have crippled me just a couple weeks ago. The difference is that I am being healed and I can now grieve my Dad appropriately.

"Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
that I have kept restored,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it's grace I'm standing on"

Thank you Lord for your healing and your peace. I know now that I can walk strong into the joy of another baby without fear or concern. I have heard You and I accept Your Grace! Thank you for giving me Your JOY and Your happiness. They are so amazing compared to anything I had ever imagined. I will stumble I will fall, I will make mistakes and have heart aches but I WILL NOT BE MOVED!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

My Sweet Man

Who says chivalry is dead?

My husband cut this off our rose bush for me this morning. We typically don't buy flowers and so this was an extra treat. They smell amazing. Thank you sweetheart.


Don't Pray For Patience...Seriously

It is common in the church to tease that it is not wise to pray for 2 things. Patience and humility. If you pray for patience He will give you a reason to be patient. If you pray for humility He may just humiliate you.

The problem is I don't remember praying for patience but lo and behold God thought I needed a good dose. The idea of a baby is so exciting and something I haven't really had to wait for since I was 20. We waited 4 1/2 years for Brennan, but since then the babies just come on their own.

I am assuming we won't be successful in the first month simply because that's pretty hopeful. Only 30% of people conceive in the first month. 60% in the first 3 months and 90% in the first year.

God's timing is perfect and I'm obviously fine with whenever it happens. It's just hard to sit by and wait. If we do "fall" pregnant (an internet term that seems odd to me) this month the baby would be due Feb. 15. That would be the farthest apart any of our children have been. 1 month shy of 3 years :)

Eeeek! I can't wait!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Rain Rain go away...

Just for a day. That's all I want.

We have a large brush pile on the south side of our house. It is the location of my future garden. It has the perfect amount of sunlight and it has had brush burned on it twice a year for 4 years. I just thought it might be a little more fertile than the rest of our property. The problem is the brush pile.

It has been usually wet this year so each time we've tried to burn it wouldn't catch. Today was the day to burn since Jared's home. Yesterday I bought all my plants and seeds for my beautiful garden to be and I was hoping to break ground on it tomorrow. Since it's also been usually cool this weekend is supposed to be prime for safe garden planting.

This is our first garden and I decided to plant all kinds of veggies and a couple fruits to offset our expanding grocery bill. I have several tomato plants as well as an herb garden in the making. I am hoping to can a LOT of spaghetti sauce and salsa as well as pickles. I am really excited to get started and have the boys fully involved...if it would just stop raining for a minute.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Babies, Sex, Baseball, and BBQ

-Thanks for commenting so much! I love it. It makes me want to ask all kinds of questions to see what you'll come up with. I'm going to have to run all your ideas past Jared. If you haven't commented yet please do.

-We had an encouraging evening last night. We took the whole family out to the Great American BBQ. Our neighbors compete each year and invite us to their dinner party. It was a beautiful night. We're dedicated to getting our finances in order so in order to go we dumped the change jar. We took a baggie of coins and let the boys pay ($20). They thought it was cute. The boys stayed right with us and had multiple compliments on their behavior and manners. One lady at a booth with candy said the boys were the first to ask permission and then thank them for the treat. Yay boys!
We had a discussion with the kids that the carnival rides weren't an option this year and we were so blessed just to go. They all agreed and not 1 of them asked for anything for the 3 hours we were there. Not 1 thing. I am still in shock :)

-I am beginning to realize that having a larger family isn't so much about what the kids miss out on as much as it is how very much they appreciate everything they receive. One of my goals is to raise children who are content and respectful and it seems so far so good.

-Tonight we get to go to a T-Bones game with our church. We were blessed to be provided tickets and the kids are giddy. It is such a family friendly event. We don't like baseball and we still have a blast. They have an awesome kids area and a tiny (short) concession stand where kids can buy things for $1. If you have an opportunity to go don't pass it up. You may just enjoy yourself :)

-I now know why Jared wanted to keep this baby business to ourselves. It has become a running joke with his family (including his mother, ewww). "I would have called but....," "Good night, have fun." "Have a great *wink wink* weekend." Wow, really? That doesn't creep you out at all? We all know where babies come from but do we have to talk about it...specifically?

-Baby making aside, Jared and I are so excited about this upcoming pregnancy. We actually had infertility issues in the beginning and went 4 years without a baby. So when Brennan came after a tragic loss at 13 weeks we were genuinely surprised. The doc said it may be difficult to get pregnant again. Tanner was a wonderful shock just 14 mos later. We decided to hold off for a bit (if not forever) while coping with 2 so close. I became pregnant unexpectedly and then miscarried. After the miscarriage we thought it wouldn't have been so bad. We decided to go ahead with a 3rd only to find out we were pregnant only 1 month after the miscarriage. Graham was a complete shock when I found out I was nearing 12 weeks. Basically this is the 1st time we were able to sit back, take inventory and really seek God's will. We are about to have a planned pregnancy :)

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Rose by any other name...

What kinda names do you like? I have a link on the blog to the social security page. It has a list of the top 1000 baby names since 2000. Jared and I really like names that aren't in the top 100. Brennan and Graham are both way down on the list but Elijah and Tanner are much higher.

It's really funny to see the trends. Elijah became quite popular after the Lord of the Ring movies were released. I guess Elijah (the actor Elijah Wood) was more palatable than Frodo Baggins :)

We had a name for a girl from the very beginning of our parenting process. Annaliese McKenna. The middle name McKenna changed when my sister used it for my niece. It then became Annaliese Kathleen. Kathleen is my middle name and Jared and I love it. The problem is that I actually went through a kind of mourning process over not having a girl. Annaliese is the name of a child we didn't have. Now that we've decided to add to our brood the name Annaliese seems a little weird and I'm ready for something different.

We also have a goofy rule. We like for our kids names to have different beginnings and endings. If you'll note each child's name begins and ends with a letter that the other names do not share. So with Brennan all names ending in a "n" are out. Get it? The idea was that we would be able to say their names correctly verses calling them by a siblings name. It doesn't really help at all.

The problem with the rule is that by the time you get to #5 it really starts getting difficult.

Names I like:
Joel for a boy. It means The Lord my God. I love that his name would reflect our reliance on the Lord. I would use this as a first name or a middle name. I'm not sure what to pair with it.

Darby for a girl. I don't have a clue what it means. A family member of an old church member named their daughter that several years ago and I just loved it. I think it sounds quite Irish and matched with Kathleen would be perfect for a little redhead. Problem is we're not guaranteed a a redhead. I'm still the only one after 4 babies!

There's also the issue of children at church. We don't really want to duplicate. We loved the names Gannon and Josiah but now we have both at church and get to love them vs just the name!

I'm also fond of the name Avalon for a girl but Jared's not so much. I'm sure that we have plenty of time but it's so much fun and I love to hear people's ideas.

After all, Sonya named Graham. So if you have fun names you don't plan on using (or live far enough away it doesn't matter) or comments about the names listed let me know!

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Today was the day. Jared and I had both worked ourselves up over this appointment. After my previous post I had really decided that if the doctor gave us the go ahead it would just be beautiful icing on the cake. I felt like the gift that I received through reconciliation was such a blessing there wouldn't be much that could take that new found joy.

My Dr is a precious man that Jared and I highly respect. He delivered Tanner and Eli and served as a sounding board and source of information and encouragement during Graham's pregnancy. We would have loved to have him deliver Graham but with no maternity coverage we couldn't afford his care.

We spent approx. 30 minutes answering his questions and asking our own. We talked about my Dad's passing, the births of our previous children. My weight loss, health, and hip issue were all topics of discussion.

He explained to us that he really felt Graham's birth was not a premature birth since he was 7 lbs. He said that he too would have progressed my labor and the main issue was that Graham was an unassisted delivery. Since he came into this world so quickly and without the Doc or nurse to help he fell onto the bed and aspirated the amniotic fluid. Our pediatrician had mentioned the same thing when he was born. Obviously our previous Doctor didn't want to accept fault so they diagnosed him as pre-term but then wrote off the bulk of our bill.

After our talk he reassured us that I am healthy both mentally and physically and the concerns we had were not unmanageable. He said that I am healthier than when I delivered the first two since I'm 80lbs lighter and couldn't see any reason why we couldn't have more.

It was amazing and the best part was yet to come. While we were talking he cracked a smile and said, "May I get this one?" We are so giddy. He explained that he would love to take care of me in my pregnancy and during delivery. He said not to worry about it financially. He teased that he's the boss and he would make sure it was "affordable."

I couldn't help myself, I jumped up and asked if I could hug him. What a blessing!

He said, "Let me know when we're pregnant, have a great weekend."

I am still in complete awe. I can't wait to see who God is going to add to our family. Will we have a ball team or a princess?

As we were leaving we went to check out and pay when he just gave Jared a handshake and said, "No charge today."

I do believe we have received an answer to prayer. Thank you Lord!

Peace is Mine

How can I even begin to express the work God is doing in my life?

In this quest for another child I am learning so much about His providence. Jared and I have been concerned as I've stated for my emotional health. Most of you close to me are aware of the pains of my childhood. I have been reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. She writes about breaking away from the chains that keep us from what God has promised us. We can have peace and rest on this earth through Him. The part that spoke to me the most was letting God be Lord over our present and future, but also making Him Lord of our past. Giving it all to Him so that I can finally put down that burden and allow healing and even someday be able to use it for His kingdom.

When speaking to my mentor she encouraged me to talk to the people who have left the deepest scars. She felt I was sacrificing my own peace and joy in order to keep a superficial peace and relationship with them. I have been in so much turmoil wondering how that would happen and what would it look like and it would it be worth it and on and on and on...

I had already had so much pain in my life that was left undone that when my dad passed I could no longer stand under it all. I quickly began to deteriorate emotionally.

God gave an opportunity that I am still in awe of. He has given me healing through a conversation I thought would never happen. During the exchange He took all my fear and gave me the ability to say everything that needed to be said with love and truth. Everything...Absolutely everything I ever desperately needed to hear was said.

The Lord has restored our relationship. I can not explain the relief in any way other than I have a relief that has put a peace in my heart and my mind that when I think on it tears of joy run down my cheeks. I feel like I have been holding my breath for 30 years and have finally been able to exhale.

God has pulled me out from under the pain and sat me on top of it VICTORIOUS!

He is so good and I am finally waking from the sleep of depression to see a world that was created by my God who is worthy to be praised.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Thursday is the Appt.

Jared and I head off to see the Doc. on Thursday to have a discussion about my physical and emotional health and whether he feels it would be good for me to have another baby. I'm feeling all kinds of things.

One of them is pure nausea. I have been sick to my stomach through the flu and now for 2 days after. I am on a new medication and it's a side affect and I'm ready for it to be gone. I actually puked at my friends house tonight. I was walking around with Graham chasing their peacocks and...well you know how it goes.

I am also dealing with insecurities. Tonight the gate was left open to the fenced yard and I assumed all the kids were still playing peacefully in the back yard until we heard honking. Amy lives out in the country and their driveway is pretty long and it connects to a gravel road. We were both sitting 2 feet from the open sliding glass door that leads the back yard where the kids where playing. Stunned, we quickly looked out front to see who was honking and there were not one, but two people stopped in the gravel road talking to my 2 year old who had wandered through the open gate, down the driveway and out onto a busy gravel road to see a horse.

The children playing in the fenced yard were ages 9,8,7,6,5,4 and the missing 2 year old. Like I had mentioned we were 2 feet from an open sliding glass door watching the kids. The gate was left ajar and the rest is history.

I ran to my baby, started crying thanking the strangers for saving my son. Graham immediately lays his head on my shoulder and while patting me said,"it's okay momma, it's okay."

It took a while for me to compose myself and then the obvious thought came to mind. "If I can't keep 4 safe how will I ever keep track of 5?"

There are always doubts when thinking about taking on the responsibility of another child. I called a friend when I was pregnant with Eli (our 3rd) crying and told her I couldn't believe we thought we could handle a third when the first two where so difficult. I feel so blessed that Eli was already on his way or we may not of had him or Graham.

We are still fervently praying and seeking God's will. Jared has asked me not to talk to the boys about it anymore until we know for sure. Simply because we don't want to get their hopes up in case the answer is "no" Thursday, or in case we aren't able or we decide against it.

I just want to make sure that we make this decision based on what we feel God is calling us to and not on irrational emotion either for a baby or against. Thankfully my husband is calm and rational when I am not. We covet your prayers.

Monday, May 19, 2008


Jared has always told me to keep my paragraphs short and my blogs limited. He says when people bring up a blog and see a novel most don't read it. So in order to keep ya'll interested be quick and to the point. The previous post is super duper long but it absolutely defines how I feel about my role and my call to motherhood.

It is spot on about how society as a whole looks down on those of us who have decided to be barefoot and pregnant in a sense. It is my desire, it is my call to love and support my husband while raising our children and I am not ashamed.

If you are a mother who feels the same and could use some encouragement please read. My friend Michelle sent this to me as an encouragement and it touched me so much I wanted to share it with you.

God Bless you and your babies <><

I Know it's Long. Read it Anyway :) You'll Be Glad You Did.

Only women can be mothers. Have we forgotten this fundamental?

Only a woman can carry in her body an eternal being which bears the very image of God. Only she is the recipient of the miracle of life. Only a woman can conceive and nurture this life using her own flesh and blood, and then deliver a living soul into the world. God has bestowed upon her alone a genuine miracle - the creation of life, and the fusing of an eternal soul with mortal flesh. This fact alone establishes the glory of motherhood.

Despite the most creative plans of humanist scientists and lawmakers to redefine the sexes, no man will ever conceive and give birth to a child. The fruitful womb is a holy gift given by God to women alone. This is one reason why the office of wife and mother is the highest calling to which a woman can aspire.

This is the reason why nations that fear the Lord esteem and protect mothers. They glory in the distinctions between men and women, and attempt to build cultures in which motherhood is honored and protected.

Instead of being an object of respect, protection, and virtue, she sells herself cheaply, thus devaluing her womanhood. Instead of glorying in a fruitful womb she cuts off the very seed of life. Sometimes she even kills the life.

Years of playing the part of a man hardens a woman. It trains women to find identity in the corporation, not the home. It teaches them to be uncomfortable around children and large families---the mere presence of which is a reminder of the antithesis between God's design for womankind and the norms of post-Christian societies.

But women are not the only ones with seared consciences. Men have them too. Consider that fifty years ago a man would have winced to think of female soldiers heading into combat while stay-at-home dads are left behind changing diapers. Today's man has a seared conscience. He no longer thinks of himself as a protector of motherhood, and a defender of womankind. He comforts himself by repeating the mantras of modern feminism, and by assuring himself of how reasonable and enlightened he is - how different he is from his intolerant and oppressive fathers. But in his heart, modern man knows that he has lost something. He has lost his manhood.

To be a man, you must care about women. And you must care about them in the right way. You must care about them as creatures worthy of protection, honor, and love. This means genuinely appreciating them for their uniqueness as women. It means recognizing the preciousness of femininity over glamour, of homemaking over careerism, and of mature motherhood over perpetual youth. But when women are reduced to soldiers, sexual objects, and social competitors, it is not merely the women who lose the identity given to them by the Creator, but the men as well. This is why the attack on motherhood has produced a nation of eunuchs---socially and spiritually impotent men who have little capacity to lead, let alone love women as God intended man to love woman-as mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters.

Motherhood Will Triumph

There is an important reason why motherhood will not be defeated - The Church is her guardian. As long as she perseveres - and persevere she will - motherhood will prevail.

The Church is the ultimate vanguard of that which is most precious and most holy. She holds the oracles of God which dare to proclaim to a selfish, self-centered nation: "Children are a blessing and the fruit of the womb is His reward." Psalm 127:3.

The Church stands at the very gates of the city, willing to receive the railing complaints of feminists, atheists, and the legions arrayed against the biblical family, and she reminds the people of God: "Let the older women teach the young to love their children, to guide the homes." Titus 2:3-5.

It is this very love of the life of children, this passion for femininity and motherhood which may be God's instrument of blessing on America in the days to come. As the birth rate continues to plummet, divorce rates rise, and family life in America dissipates to the point of extinction, life-loving families will not only have an important message to share, but thy will have an army of children to help them share it.

The Question:

Teacher: Susie what do you want to be when you grow up?

Susie: I want to be a doctor.

Teacher: How wonderful! And what about you Julie?

Julie: I want to be a soldier.

Teacher: How commendable! And what about you Hannah?

Hannah: When I grow up I want to be a wife and mother!

Teacher: [dead silence]...

After years of society belittling the calling of motherhood, something wonderful is happening - something wonderfully counter-cultural! In the midst of the anti-life, anti-motherhood philosophies which pervade the culture, there is a new generation of young ladies emerging whose priorities are not determined by the world's expectations of them. They have grown up in homes where fathers shepherd them, where children are not merely welcome, but where they are deeply loved. Some of these women have been home educated, which means that many of them have grown up around babies and their mothers. They have learned to see motherhood as a joy and a high calling, because their parents see it that way.

And when asked about their future, these girls know their own minds. These are the future mothers of the Church. Young women who are not afraid to say that the goal of all of their education and training is to equip them to pursue the highest calling of womanhood, the office of wife and mother.

The Cost of Motherhood

Once a lady went to visit her friend. During the visit the children of the friend entered the room and began to play with each other. As the lady and her friend visited, the lady turned to her friend and said eagerly and yet with evidently no thought of the meaning of her words: "Oh, I'd give my life to have such children." The mother replied with a subdued earnestness whose quiet told of the depth of experience out of which her words came: "That's exactly what it costs."

There is a cost of motherhood. And the price is no small sum. And if you are not willing to pay this price, no amount of encouragement about the joys of motherhood will satisfy.

But the price of motherhood is not fundamentally different from the price of being a disciple of Jesus Christ. In fact, Christian mothers see their duty as mothers flowing from their calling to Jesus Christ. And what is this cost?

Christian motherhood means dedicating your entire life in service of others. It means standing beside your husband, following him, and investing in the lives of children whom you hope will both survive you and surpass you. It means forgoing present satisfaction for eternal rewards. It means investing in the lives of others who may never fully appreciate your sacrifice or comprehend the depth of your love. And it means doing all these things, not because you will receive the praise of man - for you will not - but because God made you to be a woman and a mother, and there is great contentment in that biblical calling.

In other words, Motherhood requires vision. It requires living by faith and not by sight.

These are some of the reasons why Motherhood is both the most biblically noble and the most socially unappreciated role to which a young woman can aspire. There are many people who ask the question: Does my life matter? But a mother that fears the Lord need never ask such a question. Upon her faithful obedience hinges the future of the church and the hope of the nation.

In 1950, the great Scottish American preacher Peter Marshall stood before the United States Senate and he explained it this way:

The modern challenge to motherhood is the eternal challenge - that of being a godly woman. The very phrase sounds strange in our ears. We never hear it now. We hear about every other kind of women - beautiful women, smart women, sophisticated women, career woman, talented women, divorced women, but so seldom do we hear of a godly woman - or of a godly man either, for that matter.
I believe women come nearer fulfilling their God-given function in the home than anywhere else. It is a much nobler thing to be a good wife than to be Miss America. It is a greater achievement to establish a Christian home than it is to produce a second-rate novel filled with filth. It is a far, far better thing in the realm of morals to be old-fashioned than to be ultramodern. The world has enough women who know how to hold their cocktails, who have lost all their illusions and their faith. The world has enough women who know how to be smart.
It needs women who are willing to be simple. The world has enough women who know how to be brilliant. It needs some who will be brave. The world has enough women who are popular. It needs more who are pure. We need women, and men, too, who would rather be morally right that socially correct
As we approach America's national Mother's Day celebration, lets remember that we are fighting for the Lord, and it is He who prioritizes motherhood and home as the highest calling and domain of womanhood "that the word of God be not blasphemed." Titus 2:5.

May the Lord fill our churches with faithful mothers.


Doug Phillips
President, The Vision Forum, Inc.

Have You Heard Yet?

I'm a health food nut. I was turned on to Hungry Girl through some people at Weight Watcher's. They send you daily email with great food finds and recipe alternatives for super fatty foods that we love. It really is an excellent tool and she offers points values for all her foods.

This morning I received my daily email and while reading it she wrote briefly about a study that shows how we eat could affect the sex of your baby. I was reading through it and had to giggle. People who have boys tend to eat poorly. Click here for the whole article. It's definitely worth a read!

How Awesome!

I received an email this morning from Ivillage. It came in my junk box but as an addicted emailer I always check all my boxes just in case. The funny thing to me was the title. "Is 18 kids too many?" This was an obvious reference to the Duggar family. The part that caught my eye was the message boards. If you are a mom of 1,2,3,4 or more there is a board for you. I just love the topics and encouragement I found on there. In fact I loved it so much I added the Large family board as a link on my blog.

You have to check it out. I loved reading about families who get the comments,"are they all yours? Do you run a day care, are they all from your current marriage. Do you know what causes that?" etc. They have some hilarious responses. Too funny!

There was also a family who just had their 7th (we're all called to different things :)) and her husband hadn't told his co-workers in fear of their ridicule. I can understand. Even with our 3rd there were those who felt it necessary to let us know how they felt.

Anyway if you have some time and wanna browse, follow the link and have some fun chatting up with those who are where you are! It's a lot of fun and super encouraging.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Brennan Conner

Jared and I (mainly me) have talked to the kids about whether or not they would be okay with more children in our family. I just figured if their lives are going to be affected I should at least hear what they have to say.

When the topic was first brought up they all were thrilled at the idea. Tanner said, "I want 10 kids Mom!" I really thought that it was a testament to how they feel about our family and their security that they would be so willing to share with another sibling. I really tried to explain the sacrifices that happen when you add another mouth to feed and person to love and care for. They were all still pretty positive.

Until the last couple days. Brennan has been extra clingy and just wants to talk and talk to me about anything and everything. He sits with me on the couch and reminds me constantly of his love for me. Yesterday he told me that he's been thinking about it and he's decided maybe he doesn't so much want another brother or sister.

Knowing how thoughtful he is I knew he had to have good reason. When I asked him why he simply stated, "I just worry you won't have enough time for me. So I want to spend as much time with you as I can."

I quickly reassured him of our undying love and affection for him. I also told him that we would always take extra time for each child and with home schooling he gets so much time with me one on one.

I have been thinking more and more about his comments and realized that of all my boys he's earned the right to be a little concerned. I love having babies but I don't do so well with being pregnant. I'm desperately eager for the baby and kinda wish away the pregnancy. Since Brennan's the oldest I have eagerly wished away 9 months of his little life 3 times and then been overwhelmed with a new infant.

Jared and I feel very strongly about spending individual time with each of our kids and that wouldn't ever change. I just think that his precious comments deserve thought and prayer. I am so thankful that he feels comfortable enough to express himself.

Brennan's our little worrier and knowing that we try extra hard to fill his cup of love to overflowing. I often quote Psalm 121 to him when he is afraid or concerned.

Psalm 121 (New Living Translation)

New Living Translation (NLT)
Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.

Psalm 121

A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem.

1 I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.

5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.

7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Reality Check

I've been on a pretty big high for a week or so over this. I think reality is setting in. I've been sick with the flu for 3 days and yesterday was my Dad's birthday. I made it through yesterday mainly because I was in bed most of the day. Today I made myself get up and around. I needed to bathe and my house was falling apart.

I spent some time on myspace and found a slide show my sister Heather put together of my Dad. I just wanted to take a few of the pictures and put them in my personal pictures and couldn't get it to work. The combination of all the emotion as of late, Dad's b-day, the flu, etc. something as simple as dragging a picture sent me over the edge.

My poor husband was a little more than concerned with my breakdown over a picture.

I'm better now. It was a little concerning to him since his main concern over expanding our family is my physical and emotional health. The flu + emotional melt down aren't really helping him feel confident.

It's Personal

I have set this blog to private so only people that have been sent an invitation via email by can view it. There are several reasons for this, but if you have someone that I haven't thought to invite yet please let me know.

It's obviously a very personal blog and subject matter and honestly there are a lot of people in my life that don't agree with how I feel about large families and allowing them access to this would just increase the hostility we already receive from them.

I have a blog on myspace that I plan to continue with broader topics and goofy family shenanigans.

My goal here is to log a journal of my ups and downs as a mother of a large family and the wife of a minister. Love you all and thank you for taking the time to read. It is truly a blessing to have you and know that you love and support us.

Let's Play Catch Up

I feel like I need to fill you in a bit.

Ever since the birth of our 4th I have had a nagging desire for more. My husband on the other hand felt we were 99.9% done. I have been okay with that off and on until recently when my brother in law called to see if Jared wanted to go with him for a vasectomy. Wow! That's personal. I just asked him to pray fervently and whatever he decided was going to have to be good with me.

I also started a prayer fest and just asked God each night to put us on the same page so to speak. I fully expected that I would be the one to change but on Mother's day my Jared told me that he felt his 99.9% shifting. WHoo HOo. He just really feels the Lord telling him, "Would it be so bad to have 1 more baby in your home?"

So after many tears and a lot of prayers we have decided to start the process. I'm 31 and have had a couple rough pregnancies and 2 very sick babies. Our first step is a trip to the doc to see if he feels all is well for baby #5.

I have been laying in bed thinking about this little person that may be joining us. It's been a lot of fun. We have 3 strawberry blond boys and 1 brunette. I wonder if it's boy #5 if he'll be a brunette as well so our little Elijah will have a pair!

I've also been thinking about the obvious, "what if it's a girl!?!" I told God (He loves it when we do that) that I wouldn't mind so much if it's a girl as long as it's twins (I know you're gasping for breath). Here's my reasoning, I just think if we had a girl she'd need a girl playmate or she'd be the biggest tom boy ever with 4 older brothers and being home schooled. She's sure to be super strange :) Another little girl would balance things and all would be good in the Altic world.

Jared and I aren't planning a household like the Duggar Family. We are just wanting to live in God's will regardless of how crazy the world may think it is. We both feel called to this baby(ies) and know that He will provide for him/her and the rest of our family both financially and emotionally.

It's a fact that as a Minister's family we are subjected to the thoughts and opinions of others. I don't ever want my pregnant belly or our children to be a point of resentment with our congregation. Their offerings pay our salary and we are sensitive to that. I guess I just feel it is necessary to share how we have been on our knees over this decision. I strongly feel we should not happen upon having a 5th child but that it be a purposeful and prayerful decision.

So here goes everything! I will let you know how the Doctor's appointment goes. It's Thursday at 3:30. I would covet your prayers that whatever he says I am able to accept it and move forward with our family and God's will!

Welcome To My New Blog!

I have been blogging on myspace for 2 years or more and love how freeing it is to write! My husband is also a blogger and has been trying to lure me away from the frustrations of myspace for quite some time.

The main purpose of this blog is to have an outlet for all the feelings and emotions of wanting a large family. We currently have 4 boys. Brennan Conner (7.5) Tanner Riley (6) Elijah Jude (4) and Graham Ryker (2). I have been pretty free about my desire for more and frankly it gives my very private and conservative husband the creeps. He claims talking to people about trying for a baby gives them unwanted mental images of their minister :)

So this is my chance to write freely with the freedom of the internet. Hopefully this will fill the need to discuss it and my sweet husband can have some peace of mind when he walks into the church building!