Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Thursday is the Appt.

Jared and I head off to see the Doc. on Thursday to have a discussion about my physical and emotional health and whether he feels it would be good for me to have another baby. I'm feeling all kinds of things.

One of them is pure nausea. I have been sick to my stomach through the flu and now for 2 days after. I am on a new medication and it's a side affect and I'm ready for it to be gone. I actually puked at my friends house tonight. I was walking around with Graham chasing their peacocks and...well you know how it goes.

I am also dealing with insecurities. Tonight the gate was left open to the fenced yard and I assumed all the kids were still playing peacefully in the back yard until we heard honking. Amy lives out in the country and their driveway is pretty long and it connects to a gravel road. We were both sitting 2 feet from the open sliding glass door that leads the back yard where the kids where playing. Stunned, we quickly looked out front to see who was honking and there were not one, but two people stopped in the gravel road talking to my 2 year old who had wandered through the open gate, down the driveway and out onto a busy gravel road to see a horse.

The children playing in the fenced yard were ages 9,8,7,6,5,4 and the missing 2 year old. Like I had mentioned we were 2 feet from an open sliding glass door watching the kids. The gate was left ajar and the rest is history.

I ran to my baby, started crying thanking the strangers for saving my son. Graham immediately lays his head on my shoulder and while patting me said,"it's okay momma, it's okay."

It took a while for me to compose myself and then the obvious thought came to mind. "If I can't keep 4 safe how will I ever keep track of 5?"

There are always doubts when thinking about taking on the responsibility of another child. I called a friend when I was pregnant with Eli (our 3rd) crying and told her I couldn't believe we thought we could handle a third when the first two where so difficult. I feel so blessed that Eli was already on his way or we may not of had him or Graham.

We are still fervently praying and seeking God's will. Jared has asked me not to talk to the boys about it anymore until we know for sure. Simply because we don't want to get their hopes up in case the answer is "no" Thursday, or in case we aren't able or we decide against it.

I just want to make sure that we make this decision based on what we feel God is calling us to and not on irrational emotion either for a baby or against. Thankfully my husband is calm and rational when I am not. We covet your prayers.

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