Saturday, December 10, 2011

And Here We Are Again...

As many of you can probably relate, my life is cyclical.  I always seem to end up back where I began.

I want things to be easy.  I want to be fixed.  I have been on this weight loss/management journey now for almost 10 years.  I joined Weight Watchers when my sweet Tanner was just a couple weeks old.  Next Sunday he turns 10.

I lost 86lbs and lost my mind all in one fail swoop.

I have really enjoyed reading over at Can You Stay For Dinner?  She is a gifted writer and has been through a similar journey.  I sat in front of my computer yesterday morning reading, sipping coffee, and crying.  She put a lot of my thoughts and feelings of the last decade in eloquent written form.

After I lost my weight initially I lived in fear of gaining.  I lived in a prison of my own making.  There was no freedom in what I had accomplished.

Since my Dad passed priorities shifted.  I've done a much better job of not being obsessed with the scale.  I don't weigh multiple times a day, I don't even weigh daily anymore.  All of this is good for my emotional and spiritual health.

But then today I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks and I'm up 17 lbs from March.  I immediately had all those emotions of fear wash over me.  Is this a slippery slope?  Will I be able to stop this gradual gain and get back to the healthy weight I prefer?

It seems so silly.  It just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, except this issue runs deeper than vanity.  It's deeper than a pair of jeans.  My weight is directly connected to how I am doing emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Every time something gets hard I search for a quick fix.  I wish for an easy answer.  Not just when it comes to weight, but finances, homeschooling, house work, organization, anything that takes work.  I am reminded that we are naturally destructive.  I don't want to do what comes natural.  I need to be consistent and determined and diligent.  All things that go against my nature.

So here I go again.  I am jumping back on the healthy band wagon.  I am determined to use the beautiful work out room my husband so generously provided.  I am determined to keep better track of what I'm putting in my mouth.  I am determined to do a better job.

Why?  Because the only difference between someone who loses weight and keeps it off and someone who loses weight and gains it back is one simple thing.

The one who keeps it off refuses to stop trying.

No comments: