Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Been Thinking...

My friend Jenny was talking to me about my current stage of limbo and asked if I'd ever had anything like this with my first 4. My first reaction was, "no, never!"

Actually now that I've thought about it this is almost exactly what I went through with Graham. I've been teased by several that my 4th was such a surprise (I found out I was pregnant at about 11 weeks). By 4 I should know right! Well I did suspect I was pregnant and did several pregnancy tests for the first 2 weeks past my cycle and never got a positive.

It was at that point I decided something else MUST be wrong. I was super hormonal and my hip was hurting. Even though I was staying the same weight my waist was expanding. Since I have a thyroid disease I immediately blame weird things on it.

After I was a full month late I made an appointment with my endocrinologist. I was losing hair and losing my mind. He immediately assumed I was pregnant which infuriated me. I actually even had a sono in earlier weeks to confirm I wasn't pregnant (apparently it was too early to see at that point).

I had already come to grips with the fact that I wasn't and his shear suggestion angered me. I was sure something more was wrong I didn't want to be dismissed as someone who just miscalculated her cycle or someone who was hormonal. I fought with him and was downright hateful.

I went to the lab for the urine test and had to take my 3 older boys into the bathroom with me verses leaving them to wander in the tiny lab. Tanner immediately asked why I was peeing in a cup. I very sternly said, "that stupid doctor thinks there's a baby in my belly." (Mother of year award right there!!)

Well, the doctor wasn't so stupid after all. For some reason my body just didn't produce enough HCG to register until I was more than 2 weeks late. Graham was born to us just 6 months later.

Now that I've had 1 positive test and every possible symptom I've ever experienced I'm settling into the fact that we're pregnant and now being 3 or 4 days late I'm not going to test anymore until next week sometime. I've been crazy busy this week and haven't taken the time to call the Doc so I'm going to break down and call him in the morning.

I'm realizing that I'm letting fear of rejection or loss keep me from peace and joy. It would be a blessing to just know for sure, either way.

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